"Why Divorce: 5 Reasons to Leave," by Hope Katz Gibbs

Why Divorce? That’s the question I started asking myself in November 2005 when I had the first inkling that I wasn’t happy in my then 10-year-old marriage. I pushed the thought aside to focus on my kids, who were 6 and 10 at the time.

In the decade+ that has followed, I have talked with dozens of friends, colleagues, and acquaintances about their marriages — asking those who were unhappily married what it was that enabled them to file for divorce, or what kept them from it. Couples who were happily married intrigued me, too. I wanted to know their secrets!

Those conversations inspired me to create this book trilogy:

Packed with case studies based on interviews with women and men who have been through these experiences, we thank everyone willing to share their stories to help others who are working their way through the process.

The books also include guidance from experts. For example, in Why Divorce, you’ll hear from divorce attorneys, mediators, financial planners, marriage counselors, child therapists, and others who offer tactical, heartfelt assistance.

Why Divorce: The 5 Reasons to Leave

Because leaving your loved one and breaking up a family is one of the hardest and most stressful things an adult can do, there must be compelling reasons to make this choice, right? Here are the five situations that have caused many to make the decision.

  • The 3 As — Adultery, Addiction, Abuse. If your partner is mentally, physically, and / or emotionally harming you — that is no way to live a happy, healthy life. These situations are painful in so many ways, and while it’s still difficult to leave, it’s a clearer path to the door.
  • The fourth reason, Angst, is a muddier dilemma. In this instance, your partner is struggling with something intense — be it depression, anxiety, or another emotional or perhaps physical challenge — and either won’t deal with it, and / or is taking the struggle out on you. While not quite as emotionally belittling or physically dangerous as being abused, it’s a sticky situation because you know that leaving your partner could make their emotional state worse. But you are feeling miserable, and want to end that pain.
  • The fifth reason, “I’m setting a terrible example for my kids,” is perhaps the toughest — or maybe the easiest — reason to leave. Why? Because you know the marriage isn’t right and yet your partner isn’t doing anything horribly egregious. It’s just that at the depths of your soul you know you aren’t with the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life. By staying, are you setting the right example for your children? Maybe. Maybe not.

Why write “Why Divorce?” I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, or mental health professional. I am not an attorney, financial planner, life coach, or even your long-time friend. I am a journalist who is not judging anyone’s decision to divorce or stay married. But as I have traveled through my 50+ years, I have talked with a dozens of women and men who have struggled with this painful decision —my parents included. My mission for this book is simply to tell the tales of those willing to share their stories as case studies to help others know they are not alone.

“Educated people don’t stay in unhappy marriages,” insists social anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of “Why Him? Why Her? and the Chemistry.com questionnaire. When I heard her speak about that book, and subsequently interviewed her for my online magazine, Be Inkandescent, my thoughts began crystalizing about my own decision to leave. Still, I stayed for another decade — possibly for the same reasons many people stay in unsatisfying marriages. My husband is a wonderful man — a talented artist who is kind, gentle, dependable, and a loving father. Those qualities are the ones that made me want to marry him when we met on November 11, 1991. But over the years, it became clear to me that his artistic angst didn’t line up with my gypsy spirit. I wanted to travel the world to discover parts of myself that had yet to be revealed. I knew I could stay with him until death do us part — but at what cost? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help but feel trapped in the box of my own making. Worse, I was getting increasingly cranky and that wasn’t good for him, or our kids. Of course, leaving him made me the bad guy in the situation, and that wasn’t who I wanted to be, either. Could I handle the blowback, and the guilt? Eventually, it was clear that I had no choice. The only way to show love for my family was to show love for myself. That’s when I moved to Richmond.

Life After Divorce: 108 First Dates — and one perfect lover. Six months after leaving my husband I found myself curious about re-coupling, and logged onto my first online dating website: JDate.com. My husband grew up Catholic, and I noodled the idea that perhaps this Jewish girl from Philadelphia would be better mated with a member of the tribe? Nope. Six months after sorting through offers, countless conversations, and forming friendships with several men, I realized it wasn’t the religious component I was searching for. It was a spiritual and soulful one. Still optimistic, I joined Match.com. Over the course of the next year explored friendships with more men. In total, I went on 108 first dates. Really. Many were in person. More were email, phone or text exchanges. Through it all, I learned a lot about who I was, what I was looking for, and what was possible — and not. Here’s how it played out.

Enough about me: Why did you divorce? What has your life been like since? What advice do you have for others? If any of these five reasons resonate with you, or if you have another reason that might help someone struggling with the question see their situation more clearly, fill out our questionnaire. Then email it to me at hope@hopegibbs.com. My team will contact you with additional questions once we review your submission. We will also be conducting podcast interviews to post on Inkandescent Radio. For those ready to reveal their stories on video, we’ll also be creating a TV show of our interviews for our YouTube channel, Inkandescent.TV..

Learn more: www.WhyDivorce.us / email Hope / phone us at 703-346-6975

Thank you so much for spending your time and sharing your personal story! There’s no way around the fact that leaving your loved one (no matter how much you want to) is one of the most difficult decisions and experiences of your life. I thank you for your thoughtful responses, openness, and willingness to share your experience about your divorce with me — and the world.